The New Year Election Predictions

Photo by VanveenJF on Unsplash

OK, so it's not just predictions. It's my thoughts on this entire jing-bang fiasco grim fandango Vicious Cabaret.

I don't wan't Mahinda to win

The Beast has had a long run. He has had it for long enough. He has had it for too long. The corruption, the hatred, the bullshit has gone on for far too long. I like some of the things he has done, but I don't like, neither do I agree with the way he has done so many of those things.

I don't want Maithripala to win

Maithripala and his pack of power-hungry land-sharks should not with either. Are we really comparing the corrupt brothers of the Rajapaksa Clan to the corrupt brothers of the Sirisena Clan (who, it is said, were responsible for the massive rice price hikes)? Are we to not believe that everyone is rallying behind the so-called "common candidate" because The Beast filled the banquet table with his relatives and henchmen, leaving no room for anyone to even pick up any crumbs?

So what's going to happen then?

There are two options. Either The Beast will win, or The Smiler will win. What happens then?

The Smiler wins (and The Beast runs away)

So Maithripala (The Smiler) wins. Loud cheers all around! The people joyously greet the new saviour of the nation. Hirunika starts the case against Duminda Silva, and all of a sudden all of his witnesses say they can't remember anything (because they were hit on the head). The Rajapaksa Clan make a run for it. Basil, and Gota head off to America. The Beast heads off to somewhere (probably Cuba, Palestine is not a good place to be (also he has the perfect mustache to be an Alcalde)). Mad Merv sucks enough dick to come back into the ruling party again. The Commissions start and the corruption investigations begin. Projects stop half way, and everyone gets fucked over. We start looking for the next saviour.

The Beast wins

So The Beast has won. It's pretty simple. Within hours the army has surrounded all the offices and houses of the coalition. The troops are out in force. The Coalition asks people to come out to support them. Twitter, Facebook, and finally, the whole Internet gets shut down. No one comes out, because the lesser of the two evils is not worth coming out to defend. The purges start. Those who can escape, do so. People die in "accidents." We get a much-chastened Beast, who makes room at the table for more of the coalition members. Commissions start and the corruption investigations begin. Projects stop half way, and everyone gets fucked over. We start looking for a new saviour.

The Smiler wins (and the Beast refuses to give up the Iron Throne)

The Smiler wins. The Beast refuses to leave. Some people actually take to the streets. Some of the Army refuses to kill them. The rest of the Army fires. Twitter, Facebook, and finally, the whole Internet gets shut down. No one comes out, because the lesser of the two evils is not worth coming out to defend. The purges start. Those who can escape, do so. People die in "accidents." We get a much-chastened Beast, who makes room at the table for more of the coalition members. Commissions start and the corruption investigations begin. Projects stop half way, and everyone gets fucked over. We start looking for a new saviour.

What I think will happen

So you are reading this far, waiting to see what the hell I think will happen. The article has the word "predictions" in it, and it would be unfair of me to not give you one. Here it is:

The Beast wins. Not by much. But by about 2-3 percent. He has realised that even a small win is a win. And that is what he wants. He has given up trying to be loved by everyone. The past few months have shown that he isn't loved (anymore) and so he doesn't need to prove that to the world. He wins. Because to quote Joseph Stalin - I consider it completely unimportant who in the party will vote, or how; but what is extraordinarily important is this—who will count the votes, and how. The "computer jilmaat" people are here, and the votes will be counted accordingly. So he will win, but he won't be a dick about it. He will call everyone to gather together, to forgive and forget, to be calm and rational, and maybe he will lose next time, and let's all be friends and uplift the country. And rainbows will shine and unicorns will shit shiny sprinkles over all of us. And the people will say "Yes, we tried. We'll get him next time." We get a much-chastened Beast, who makes room at the table for more of the coalition members. Commissions start and the corruption investigations begin. Projects stop half way, and everyone gets fucked over. We start looking for a new saviour.

And that, my dear friends, is my prediction.

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