Death! Note!

Photo by VanveenJF on Unsplash

Well what a fine that week that was. Three funerals in one week. Parents of people I care about. You realise that you have gone to too many funerals when the guys at the crematorium ask you "weren't you here last week?"

But some of the things that happened in the past week got me thinking. A friend of mine was given a 3% chance that his mother would live if they did neuro-surgery on her. Not a 3% chance she would be back to normal, but a 3% chance that she would fall into the category that we call "not dead." So he agreed. And got a bill for LKR1.2 million.

That is his decision of course. But if I were to do that for my mother or father, they would come back to life just so they could bitchslap me.

So here it is. A very basic Living will.

I will hold you to it. And if the Powers That Be won't let you, I instruct you to pull the plug yourself. Or better yet, get a couple syrettes of morphine and shoot me up.

The Basics - when to pull the plug

Here's a simple one I lifted from Wikipedia:

If I suffer an incurable, irreversible illness, disease, or condition and my attending physician determines that my condition is terminal, I direct that life-sustaining measures that would serve only to prolong my dying be withheld or discontinued.

But of course there is more.

I like the idea of the Five Wishes system.

Wish 1: The Person I Want to Make Care Decisions for Me When I Can't

NOT MY MOTHER! My father is a good person for that. My closest friends are asked to advise him. Please note that this section will change as I - and life - move on. But for now, this will do.

Wish 2: The Kind of Medical Treatment I Want or Don't Want

Let's start with something simple. If it is going to prolong my life at substantial cost of quality of life, i don't want it.

More. If it is not going to substantially prolong my life and/or increase my quality of life and still put my family in unacceptable hardship, I still don't want it.

  • If I have suffered severe brain damage. Pull the plug.

  • if I am in a persistent vegetative state. Pull the plug.

  • If I have suffered brain death. Pull the plug.

  • If I have a Glasgow Coma Scale score of less than 6, pull the plug.

  • If pulling the plug doesn't work, take active measures. Personally I feel the pillow on the face thing is so passé, but a morphine overdose will work. I permit it. And I would consider you to be doing me a favour.

Of course these things are guidelines. But it's a start. You people have brains. Use, judge, and extrapolate.

Wish 3: How Comfortable I Want to Be

Make me comfortable. Drugs are good. Also, don't cut my hair unless you absolutely have to.

Wish 4: How I Want People to Treat Me

At the end of it all, I would like to be at home. If you can choose the time of finishing things off, take me to the beach, let the sun go down, pull the trigger. No prayers please, unless it is to Eris, or an offering to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If it is to the FSM - blessed be his noodly tendricles - it is to be conducted by someone dressed in full pirate costume. Including eyepatch.

Wish 5: What I Want My Loved Ones to Know

This is the fun part.

Forgiveness: If you are a loved one, and still in my life, then there is nothing for me to forgive is there? And if there is something I have done to you that you haven't forgiven me for.. well, I'm dead by the time this thing comes into effect, so I don't care.

How I want to be remembered: I don't really care. Remember me, or not, as you want. Have a drink in my honour, or don't. Wink at a pretty girl in my honour. Help someone who feels unpretty and unloved feel pretty and loved and desired. Or don't. I'm outta here. I don't really care.

Putting the FUN in funeral

And this is the part everyone is waiting for.

  • Harvest my organs.: If there is anything that can be used. Take it. Use it.

  • No embalming. Seriously. Why bother. If I have any say in the matter I will have enough alcohol in me to keep me fresh for a while.

  • A cheap coffin. You know those impressive coffins that cost huge amounts of coin? I don't want one. A cardboard box will do. But if they refuse to accept that, then the cheapest coffin available.

  • Jeans and t-shirt. I went through life in Jeans and Tee, and I will take my last journey in one too. A well-worn and comfy set. Also, barefoot.

  • Coffin favours. I want a bottle of my favourite booze, and a baggie of good weed in the coffin with me at all times. I don't care if it is illegal. It's my last wish.

  • Cremation within 24 hours. I don't want a big viewing party. But I do want to be cremated ASAP.

  • Collect the fucking ashes, you'll need them for the party!

The post-cremation

  • On the second weekend after my cremation, there is to be a party. At a beach if possible. That should give enough time for word of my death to pass around.

  • I want there to be my favourite foods. Beer. Alcohol. Beef. Pork. All the foods I have loved. The vegetarian/teetotal option will be available in an area clearly labeled "Lamers Corner."

  • There must be weed. And spacecake.

  • No fucking speeches!

  • You can cry if you want to. Or not. But either way, I love you guys.

  • Remember those ashes I mentioned? I want them tossed in the sea. I want them ceremonially marched down at sunset with the theme from Star Wars (and the Imperial March), the theme from Indiana Jones, and the theme from Firefly. In that order. If you can get a team of pipers to play them.. FUCK YEAH!

  • NO FUCKING SPEECHES!

  • If you want to come in fancy dress. That would be awesome.

  • The only religious BS allowed will be Discordianism and Pastafarianism. All other prayers will be disregarded.

  • NO! FUCKING! SPEECHES!!! You are allowed to toast me. To roast me. To ask people in my name to pass the fucking bottle, or stop bogarting the fucking joint.

Yes, this is a wishlist. I don't know if half this stuff will happen. Or if anyone will even show up. But either way. I want my funeral to be fun.

BUT ...

MY CREMATION ORDERS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE!!!

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