Free Hugs

I've been going for a yoga/acting/lifestyle class for the last few days. It's organised by Abhina Academy. It's the same crew I used to go for yoga with, and I do enjoy hanging with them.

I'll write more about it soon, this was just my third day, and I want to write about something else.

I want to write about Free Hugs. Well, kind of.

Now if you want to learn the backstory of free hugs, or learn more about Free Hugs, follow the links. They will lead you to relevant Wikipedia article and the Free Hugs websites.

The guys and girls in the class heard about free hugs during a speech/seminar/training session about mental and physical health. Now, I must admit, I didn't agree with all that the person said. I personally he was pushing his idea of morality instead of the idea of mental health. But that was just part of it. Sometimes, you learn something new or interesting even in the middle of what you don't agree with. And that is why its worth exposing yourself to everything.

One of the guys there suggested a hugging session. Basically that we would hug each other. All of us. And the weird part is, I was one of those that held back.

Now those of you who know me, know that I am not usually one to hold back. In fact, 99.99% of the time, I'm the one who has to be held back. I tend to run into situations head first. Jump in the water feet first. To boldly rush in where no angel in his/her right mind (or even completely out of her mind) would go.

And I held back on hugging people.

It's not like I don't like physical contact. I do. Oh, how I do. It's not that I fear it.

I guess what it is, is I fear rejection. I fear being feared.

I am not what people would call a normal-looking guy. Lately I've let my hair and beard grow. I am, as Princess Leia once said, scruffy looking. In fact, I have left scruffy looking far behind, and am fast heading towards Wicket's retard brother. Short, hairy, fat, and yet not even close to being as cute.

And the class has more than it's share of hot girls. And semi-hot girls. And not so hot girls. All of them very nice, and with great amounts of personality. Many of them are aspiring (and/or current) actors, or singers, or presenters, or something. And one of the reasons they're coming is that the class is run by Anoja Weerasinghe.

And before you ask, I don't know (m)any other actresses, so I can't exactly compare her to others. But for me, she's not an actress. She's a good friend, and a good and warm hearted person. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

But for me, the big revelation was - I was afraid to hug the girls. Me. The guy who doesn't fear getting shot down at any club, fears offering - offering mind you - these girls a hug.

Why?

I can hug a guy. And not the usual hips-apart-shoulders-and-neck-only hug. But the real hug. Anything from an abrazo to a full-on bear hug. But I was scared to hug them. Weird huh?

So I had to spend some time in the old self-discovery mode to find out what the fuck was wrong with me. And I realised. It wasn't that I didn't like them. I did. It wasn't that I didn't want to hug them. I did. It was that despite everything, I didn't trust them to trust me.

I have seen so many girls who look on guys as.. pests. Who take guys as things to be endured. And let's face it, there are many guys who have acted in a way to deserve that reputation. I am not saying that watching girls is bad, or whistling. But forcing yourself on them is. And obviously, the girls don't like it.

And I am scared that they will classify me with them. I am still egotistical enough to see myself as a threat to them. I probably will be that way even when I am 90 years old (if I live that long) and need a whole bag of Viagra. And I am attracted to them. Which non-exclusively-homosexual man wouldn't be? Oh, it's not in the intense I-wanna-take-you-out-for-dinner-and-a-movie-and-drinks-and-dedicate-my-life-to-you sense. Or even in a hey-baby-how-about-a-dirty-weekend/night/afternoon/hour sense. But more in the I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers kind of sense. If they came on to me, I would not be running from them. I'd be thanking my lucky stars and heading for the nearest fast-sheet motel.

So I was scared to hug the girls, because I felt they would - by using some female super-powered soul-vision - be able to see that I found them attractive.

So I did the olny thing I know how to do. Jumped in. Feet first. Went on a whirlwind tour of hugs. And I found, it wasn't all that bad. In fact, I enjoyed it. And so, I think, did they.

But I guess there is still something to work out in me. I have noticed that I am, for want of a better word, wary of coming into emotional contact with new people. This is new, and probably has something to do with all the shit that went down in the last few years of my life.

But I'm working on it.

Until then, Free Hug anyone?