Suicide is painless

And, according to the song, it brings on many changes.

I have been suicidal. I have attempted it once. I have come close to attempting it more than once. I have seen two people close to me attempt it. I have helped another friend off the ledge as it were. I have heard what people say, I know all the consequences and after-effects. And yet (or maybe because of it), suicide intrigues me.

Suicide is not an easy thing to do. In normal situations the psyche rebels against the thought of dying. None of us want to die. And yet, it is estimated that twenty million people try to kill themselves every year. Of them, a million succeed. Why? Why do some people kill themselves? In my case it was simply pain. I had just broken up with someone that I loved very much. I was hurting bad. I was depressed. So i tried to overdose on Panadol. It seemed like a good idea at the time. In retrospect, I wouldn't recommend it. It takes a lot of panadol to kill you. And even if you do manage to kill yourself, you die after many days of suffering. Panadol/paracetamol kills by destroying your liver, causing your body to slowly poison itself to death. Death is painful and takes 4-5 days. Even if you survive, you can't take alcohol anymore. So, despite the widespread availability, there are much better ways to off yourself.

Suicidal thoughts hit everyone. But few people actually go through with it. Usually, they suffer from Depression (please note that in this case depression doesn't necessarily mean feeling sad) or some other psychological disorder. In the end, it seems easier to check out than to continue on the life path that we are on. Obviously, society as a whole doesn't agree with this sentiment. People tell me that suicide is unfair to the people we leave behind. But is preventing someone from suicide fair to them? I won't even start to go into euthanasia, but what of the suicidal person's pain? Is telling them to deal with their problems, or putting them on medication really going to make life easier for them? Medication won't make their problems go away. There will be another issue further down the line that makes them feel the same way. The only alternative would be to keep them constantly medicated, preventing them from using their full personality.

This in itself creates problems. Would we want to medicate Vincent van Gogh? How about John Belushi? Or Chris Farley? Maybe Robin Williams could do with some help.

So what happens after you try to kill yourself? You deal with the accusations of the people around you. You deal with the Government trying to show you how wonderful life is by throwing you in jail for attempted suicide. You may end up in therapy. But a serious suicide attempt that doesn't work can give you a whole new perspective on life. Knowing that you are unafraid of death is quite liberating. Knowing that you can check out whenever you want is a big help. I was recently in a situation where I nearly died. But even during and after that event I wasn't afraid. I would have welcomed it, if it wasn't for that fact that I was also responsible for the lives of those around me.

The thing about being suicidal is that we also tend to indulge in self-destructive behaviour. If we cannot kill ourselves, we try to trick the environment into killing us. Or at least destroying what we have achieved, and sabotaging what we can do in the future.

The problem with suicide is that we are never sure if we'll do it right. Will the method we choose be easy or painful. Slash your wrists wrong and you'll live. Probably with the tendons for your hands cut, leaving you unable to eat, type or even jack (or jill) off. Shoot yourself if you can find a gun, but be very sure that you are not going to end up paralysed or brain damaged. I guess if you can't find a gun, you could pretend to attack an army checkpoint. But they may not kill you, and you'll just spend many uncomfortable days answering rather pointed questions. The proper medicines are hard to find (I know, I tried), insecticide has been diluted to the point that you still spend many days suffering as the poison eats away at your insides. Don't jump in front of a moving vehicle because that poor slob's gonna be spending many days in court while he defends himself against a manslaughter charge.

Of course, if you're serious, there are lots of instruction manuals online. I even know of some easily made poisons that are fast, effective, and painless. But those are my secrets, and you're not getting them from me.

I personally believe that suicide is an option for any of us willing to do it. It may not be the best option, but it is an option. I believe that if you are willing to do it, you should be allowed to. People who are holding you back are, at least in part, being selfish in trying to keep you suffering so that they can feel better about themselves. Whether you decide to stay or go, should be your decision, not someone else's.

But what would make you stay? Whoopi Goldberg once said that the only thing that stopped her from killing herself was that her 9 year old son would be the one to find her body, and she didn't want to be responsible for that. I was stopped by the fact that I couldn't find enough pills, and on later times by the simple hope that things would get better. But I still look at my cache of pills and think about it. I haven't stopped being self-destructive either. What stops you can be fate, can be a small thing, or a big thing. Could be a song, a phone call, anything. In the same vein, the same things can set you off too.

So why am I writing this? Is this a cry for help? Does it mean anything that I am spending so much time obsessed with my own destruction? I don't know. It's not a cry for help. And I am sure it means something, but I am not sure I want to know what that is just yet. But most of all I was inspired by this article about the suicides of two very intelligent people. I keep thinking if I too will end up in that same position.

I wish I knew

Suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please

If you feel like I do, and need someone to talk to, Sumithrayo can help. Call them on 057-2222662, 011-2692909, 011-2683555, 011-4401094, 081-2234806, 066-2223521, 038-2235291, 037-2291718.