Delusions of ability

I think I am a writer. I try to blog as often as I can. I try to write short stories. I've written a play. I read voraciously. I have a dictionary for an id, a thesaurus for a brain and a sewer for a mouth. I've been writing crappy stories since I was 12.

So I try to write. Everyday I try to spend sometime working on my current projects, a novel, a rapidly growing-out-of-control short story, my blog, and my resume.

what I am not sure about is what to write about. I mean, I'm not a reporter, and no matter how many tattoos I get, I will never be a Spider Jerusalem. I will never be able to write 8,000 words on anything, unless I emulate him and write the word fuck that many times. Maybe I'll do that if/when The Beast wins the next election. That would almost make it worthwhile. Almost.

I'll never be nominated for a Blogging Award. I'll never be a Hunter S. Thompson, and for that you should go and say a prayer of thanksgiving for whatever deity you pray to.

Inspiration is hard to come by in my bedroom/office/cave. Almost as hard to come by as a clean space that isn't covered in dust, food, clothes, or books, Or any combination of the three.

I also have delusions that I am a geek. I use Linux (and I can hear RMS screaming at me that I should call it GNU/Linux). My editor of choice is Vim, and if it weren't for webpages and media, I'd do everything on command line. And yes, I can hear RMS laughing at me for using the editor of the beast. Ah fuck it. I'm a free womble and I can do whateverthefuck I want.

The idea that I can be good at anything may be a delusion. After all, as human beings we are trained to believe so many things. That certain people know what's good for us. That they have our best interests at heart. That there is a Superbeing somewhere who actually cares for us. We're trained to delude ourselves. Fuck it. We're born alone. We die alone. And between those two things we have to fight hard to get what we need.

I don't delude myself anymore. Much. I do believe that I am a pretty hardcore geek. I believe that I am more intelligent than most people around me. I believe that I am able to do a lot of things, if only I put my mind to it. I fucking believe.

I believe I'm a good writer.

I must be. After all, you're still reading aren't you?